ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE! Tips

I'm sure you've contemplated the apocalypse before, and figured up an awesome-sounding unrealistic plan to survive all the zombies in the world. You've probably thought of locking yourself in a gun store or Wal-Mart or somewhere and, what? Hope for the best? It's okay though, we've come up with equally unrealistic tips to apply to your epic zombie-killing plans. 

The tips will be written alternately by me and Lauren, the first being by me, the next by Lauren, and so on.

Tip #1 - Get a weapon. I don't mean a wimpy handgun like you see people carry around in the movies. Get a freakin' machete. Machetes don't have ammo, therefore they never stop being epic zombie slaying tools of awesome. Also, a shotgun would be good for blowing some heads off, as long as you can find shells for it. If you really wanna get crazy with it, grab a chainsaw. It may not last a long time since it requires fuel and will tire you more quickly, but try to tell me slashing up some zombies with a chainsaw wouldn't make you feel like a B.A. Zombie Eliminating Warrior.

  

Tip #2 - Clothing = Super important in a situation where someone is trying to chew your arm off. See, that would be weird if we weren't talking about zombies, but we are, and it is. So, to start off: red isn't a great color to wear. It's like someone wearing dress covered in chocolate to us. I'm not sure if zombies are colorblind or not, but let's be safe. Red no, black yes. Zombies are much like hormonal teenage boys,they like skin. (Yes, all you hoes out there, you probably won't survive). This is saying, there will be a lot of hooker zombies. So cover up! Flip flops... super cute in the summer, but they're kind of hard to run in, and if you trip you're going to have a zombie eating your toes... That's just gross and unsanitary. So tennis shoes or something that won't easily slip off would be best. High heel shoes aren't efficient either (Yes, Hookers, I am directing this towards you again.) If all else fails, dress as a zombie, and dance like Michael Jackson. That might make you a few friends and maybe a zombie flash mob. (Super freaking awesome!)  

Tip #3 - If you're going to hole yourself up anywhere, make it a sporting goods store. They have a ton of potential weapons and dehydrated food packets and mini-stoves for cooking and guns and knives. Pretty much the perfect place ever to defend yourself against zombies for awhile. Plus you can totally play minigolf, basketball, and workout whenever you want. Who wouldn't want to chill in an epic place like that?

Tip #4 - Useful Possessions to Have :
1. Raw Meat - to distract the undead
2. A Leash - in case you want to keep one (I know I would.)
3. Friends - "No... you go first..."
4. Toyota Prius - hard core gas mileage (and stylish.)
5. Mini colorful flags - to mark your dead zombies (I thought of that one all by myself. You're welcome.)
6. Febreeze - I assume dead people smell.
7. Spray Paint - to paint hard core racing stripes on your Prius.
8. A Super Hero Costume - ponder the genius of that for a second... 

Tip #5 - If you think you're not capable of not becoming a zombie killing machine or hiding away in a sporting goods store for the rest of your life, there is one more tip for you that will allow you to survive the apocalypse. Simply become a zombie. Sure, you may not have conscious thought or a soul, and you'll smell like rotten flesh, but hey,  you'll be alive! In a way. (Oh, and eat all the hoes. No one likes them. - Lauren.)

RANDOM DIALOGUE OF THE DAY:

Caitlin: "When your nose bleeds, where does the blood come from?"

Lauren: "Your brain?" 

P.S. Sorry to any hoes we offended.

P.P.S. You can totally comment and share any of your own personal tips!